Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in icequeenacm's LiveJournal:

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Monday, June 20th, 2005
4:38 pm	50/50 This morning on NPR I heard this guy talking about the 50/50 rule. 50% of the time things are better then normal and 50% of the time things are worse. So the min something good happens something comes along to fuck it up. The DB decided he'd settle things with me today. I have never heard more of a cop out answer in my life. I'll never understand what we had or if it ever could have gone differntly. Maybe I was totally and completly played. I would almost rather belaive that then think he really has his head that far up his ass. This is for you Matt: "Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast-you also miss the sense of where you are going and why." -Eddie Cantor (Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
4:46 pm	This is all about me! It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. -Andre Gide (Comment on this)
12:04 am	The Ray of Sunlight before the Destruction Things are really stressfull between this class and exams...man there is no time. To go to Nationals or not to go? Such a decesion. If I don't move out of my townhouse soon I will just die. Yes, die. Well ok I am exagerating. Question two, what is living with Will and Don REALLY going to be like? It could be disastrous. I am kidding myself that it will be smooth. i'll probably kill Will. its better then the alternatives. On a happy note, I am happy. Oh so happy. It so strange and weird. I look at him and think, its him, so long and I never thought of him this way. Now I find my self missing him when he isn't around. I think the odds of this working out are non-existant, and as Mike said the other day I tend to leave a path of destruction behind me. Never the less I am happy. All he wants to do is make me happy. He never gets in my way or fights with me. He likes my friends and has learned to drink wine. I can write anything about him I want becuase he is afraid to read my blog....what restraint. I could never not read if I knew things were being written about me. He however does not write about me in his blog. I imagin to protect my identity but maybe he just has nothing to say. I sound like a silly school girl. Its never been this easy before. Wonder how long it will last before I eat him alive? Yumm, Delicious.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
1:12 pm	Life According to Gregory [13:09] gregory_uwh: Stupid people should be ignored, small minded people should be shown the door, and people that think they are neither but are should go fuck themselves. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
1:06 pm	Get it While You Can Its strange how you can look at something or someone one day and see something completly differnt the next day. "Get it While You Can" by Janis Joplin In this world, if you read the papers, Lord, You know everybody's fighting on with each other. You got no one you can count on, baby, Not even your own brother. So if someone comes along, He's gonna give you some love and affection I'd say get it while you can, yeah! Honey, get it while you can, Hey, hey, get it while you can, Don't you turn your back on love, no, no! Don't you know when you're loving anybody, baby, You're taking a gamble on a little sorrow, But then who cares, baby, 'Cause we may not be here tomorrow, no. And if anybody should come along, He gonna give you any love and affection, I'd say get it while you can, yeah! Hey, hey, get it while you can, Hey, hey, get it while you can. Don't you turn your back on love, No no no, no no no no no. Oh, get it while you can, Honey get it when you're gonna wanna need it dear, yeah yeah, Hey hey, get it while you can, Don't you turn your back on love, No no no, no no no no, get it while you can, I said hold on to somebody when you get a little lonely, dear, Hey hey, hold on to that man's heart, Yeah, get it, want it, hold it, need it, Get it, want it, need it, hold it, Get it while you can, yeah, Honey get it while you can, baby, yeah, Hey hey, get it while you can! (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 12th, 2005
3:26 am	Isolationism What lengths won't I go to to isolate myself? Bob Marley said something about people acting like rabid animals striking out when they feel threatened. He wasn't talking about me, but it is me. Always and forever. I like to think I am strong. I have survived many things in my life time. But I am not strong. I just survive. And I do it by protecting myself. Someone once said I would be damn near perfect if I wern't obsessed with plasic surgry. I get that now. I wouldn't be, but my obession with having my nose fixed is the same obsession I face in every other facet of my life. We have ben over this before: perfection is not obtainable and by excpting that you become closer to perfection. I however will not. I will allow my thoughts to eat myself alive for some unknown reason. And I will continue to attack anyone who gets close and shows anythng that resembles a threatening face. I am really really mad at myself for getting into that ridculus situation. If you read like two posts back I was so convinced. I am idiot. I keep thinking I am a well blanced, stable individual. Ha! This calls for another Ha! I am not strong I am scared to death of the world around me and all the people in it who can and will hurt me. The trickest part to understand this is when I say hurt me its very obscure. Really the only dangerous person around is me and if you have ever been attacked by me you'd know that. I am a danger to others and most definatly to myself. I should be isolted. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
3:19 pm	Two Weeks Notice I really love the way Ryan thinks. I am putting in my two weeks notice. Ok, so it was just one of those things, one of those crazy flings, one of those bells that now and then rings, just one of those things. It was fun while it lasted, but I can't make it work. Things are done a certain way for a reason. Re-inventing the wheel is a tricky business. I wish I didn't need what I want. But I do...Queen of the Night...enough said. So there you have it, two weeks notice today. Today's qoute is remarkably appropriate: "The only peace, the only security, is in fulfillment." -Henry Miller. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but I am better off alone then in a make-belaive situation. He is great, but whats the point? So plan F may be on hold. I may have to take another class. Arg, thats going to make life difficult. I do too many things. However, satisfaction from a job well done, is satisfaction worth having. Who was it who said anything worth having is worth working for? Supprisingly that one is not on my office door. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 6th, 2005
2:34 pm	Life is Good, I think I have achieved what most men only dream about. It works. It does. I think it does. I know it is dangerous and as Karen said not a solution to not dating. But I can't. I just can't. If I have dinner with one more lawyer or investment banker, I'll throw up. Boy did something weird happen yesterday and I am not sure if I should just walk away from the situation on general principle. I liked them. He is still far far away so where is the harm? Hmmm. Two weeks and I am done with school, hopefully. Life is good, I think. Oh so Mugs and Jugs lost. It had nothing to do with me being not sober...It was Cinco De Mayo...Marietta wanted Margaritas and I deserved one! We had a good talk. We came to a conclusion: Opertunity means choices. I hope I am making the right ones. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 28th, 2005
7:22 pm	Don’t Shoot the Messenger When bad things happen, or rather things you don't like, ask yourself why they happend and don't shoot the messenger (read the Ellis Paul Lyrics please). We do that alot in this culture. We blame everyone else. Now I persoanlly have a habit of blaming my self for everything and that isn't good either, but just think about what I am saying. Poor Helena Whitford. Her death was tragic. I know she was in a cult. It shows us how vaulnerable we all are. We will find the Phoenix. So Plan F will be going into effect on May 22nd. It is a good plan and I will be happy to be home. In other news here is my schedule: May 19 - Graduation May 21 - Celebrate in Kings Domionion May 27-29 - UWH Women's Clinic in Chicago June 4 - MTH Reunion June 18-19 - Philly June 25-30 Mertyle Beach July 7-10 - UWH Nationals in St. Paul July 22 - Birthday! July 30 - Big graduation and birthday party August 6 - Ben and Jen tie the knot October 28 - November 8 - Great Britian (AIDS Marathon in Dublin on Halloween) Spring 2006 - World Cup in Germany Fall 2006 or Spring 2007 - Tokyo Fall 2007 - Rugby World Cup in France Did Galileo Pray? by Paul Ellis When he looked Into a starry sky upon Jupiter, With it's cold moons Making their weary rounds. Did he know that the Pope Would claim that he ran with Lucifer And a prison cell Would be where he’d lay his head down? Was he wearing a thorny crown? When he plotted the motion of planets, Was Mercury in retrograde? But he found the truth when a lie was what was demanded. When the judges asked him pointedly He was a' trembling that day. Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? And he said, "Tell Ptolemy, tell Copernicus, That the Sun is at the core of us The Church, the Pope Can’t deny the Milky Way And every flower that follows the sun, Has known all along What God had done They whisper truth As the seasons each give way. Don’t shoot the messenger, The postman delivers Truth today. And Truth will march in Birmingham It will block the tanks in Tiananmen. Put the judges on the witness stand Let’s see what they all say. Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? In the heavens you'll see it As God has conceived it. Oh, believe it. Oh, what have you got to do to believe? Don’t shoot the messenger, When the postman brings you truth today. Because truth will march in Birmingham It will block the tanks in Tiananmen Put the judges on the witness stand, Let's see what they all say. Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? Did Galileo pray? Don’t shoot the messenger, don’t shoot the messenger… (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
1:07 am	Creep Radiohead - Creep When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fucking special But I 'm a creep I 'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice When I'm not around You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here She's running out again She's running out She run, run, run run Run Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
3:13 am	Stupid O Clock Its 3 am I just got off the phone with T. He is the reason Mark first told me the duck story. I can't tell if T is a duck or not. I think he is trying to be but his homeboys are all Geese so sometimes he acts like a Goose. Cut me some slack it is three am. I guess I had some things I still needed to get off my chest. I guess I still felt like I was sort of special, not a mistake. I know it doesn't matter, but seeing the way i feel about men. I don't know I needed something. So did I get it? So RW has this thing about me acting like, I hate this phrase, a sneeky hoe. It is hard to resist. Its the mandie the Ice Queen mode. Its self defense. Scroll down and read the George Washington quote about having the strength to withstand temptation. T asked if I went to church. Maybe I should make a real effort. I do't go to church to worship god. I go to be part of community. I can worship god on my own time. I go to love and support people. i have a truly alturistic side. I am not evil. I need to embrace that. I need to love others unconditionally. I need to love mself. Running in the AIDS Marathon is going to be great. 26.2 miles is a really long distance. it is worth it to help others and to help myself. I can't type anymore....... Take It All Away So much beauty in life Shining on the outside Empty on the inside I get lost sometimes Blinded by the flashing lights Distractions always in my eyes So i'm following the sound, the sound of my heart Beating You can take it all away I don't need it Underneath, i'll still be the same You can take it all away I don't need it, it's not me You can take it all, take it all away I'll still be the same Are you hiding still? Don't you want to love yourself? Don't you know that someone will? Time can turn it around Leave it all that's dribbled down That's the only way to find it out Are you following the sound, the sound of your heart? Beating You can take it all away I don't need it Underneath, i'll still be the same You can take it all away I don't need it, it's not me You can take it all, take it all away I'll still be the same Coming in with nothing, leaving with the same It's all inside Coming in with nothing, the only thing that saves Is here inside You can take it all away I don't need it Underneath, i'll still be the same You can take it all away I don't need it, it's not me You can take it all, take it all away I'll still be the same (Comment on this)
Monday, April 18th, 2005
1:32 pm	Stress Kills On the flat curve of medicine, I can tell you where I am, but it will mean nothing to any of my friends or the people who aren't my friends who read my journal, so I won't. Everythings stressfull. Waiting for NG to call. They finally had me interview for a job I really really want. But it is such a long shot. Its upsetting to know there is a job out there I want this much and maybe can't have. Lets see, I am pissed at people again. Its just upsetting when you feel like the people you thought were friends really just want to hang out with you and party and when you don't provide that for them they complain and make you feel crapy about it. I can't put out (no not like that) all the time. I can't be "Fun Mandie" all the time. I just can't. Work is very stressful right now, fiscal years change soon (and by soon I mean July....) and thus we are mad busy...mad I say. School, kicking my butt. Well one class is, I am acing the hard stuff damnit! The publisher called me recently and asked how the new chapters were comming. its a good thing my book is based on reality, becuase there is no way I could have made up 4 chapters worth of stuff on the stop that I haven't even come close to writing yet. Nuff bitching. Do you ever wonder if people from your past are curious about you the way you are about them. HS reunion comming up and I was thinking about going. Till I relaized I only remembered a half a dozen or so peoples names and I still see most of them. So I guess I am not thinking about my friends from HS. I do however remember Victoria Baring. However, some events have happend recently that makes me wonder what conclusions the DB came to about our disasterous relationship (if you can call it that). Don't sopose it matters. Its amazing how disgusted I am with the whole thing. Its also amazing how content I am with being alone. I really have no desire to date. Funny eh? Oh god, I have to stop with the ehs. I was doing it before I hated Canada. Now that I do I must stop. Well St. Teresa bless me with your rose petals. Muhahaha! I still have the best minions. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
9:38 am	Job Hunting Pick a job has been really stressfull. I have another meeting with NG today. Lets see if they can make me an offer I can't refuse. I should not complain. So many people have had so much trouble finding a job. All I have to say is...Yay Economics! I need to the stress to subside though. I am starting to be a bad friend to my good friends. It was just one of those things Just one of those crazy flings One of those bells that now and then rings It was one of those things *It was one of those thing I should resist...sheesh. I give up on men all together...or at least mediocre men. Mediocre isn't the right word. The wrong men. No more wrong men, in any way, manner, fashion or form. I really shouldn't post this, but I am going to. Came across this today, I hope the DB reads it: It is not becuase things are difficult that we do not dare, it is becuase we do not dare that they are difficult. - Seneca (Comment on this)
Monday, April 4th, 2005
2:06 pm	True Friends Well I learned a lot this weekend. I have systematically removed many people from my inner circle of friends today. Self centered is not recognising there are other people, selfish is recognising them, and still not caring. Being Selfish is not a malicious act, but I have no room for it in my life. I go the distance for my true friends. There are many of you I would lay down my life for, you know who you are and how you have earned that. I guess I am just redefining what true friendship looks like...If if walks like a duck, flys like a duck, and quacks like a duck....Its a DUCK! Thank you Mike & Josh for reminding me what a duck really looks like. "No amount of sophistication is going to allay the fact that all your knowledge is about the past and all your decesions are about the future." -Ian E. Wilson (Comment on this)
Friday, March 25th, 2005
1:56 pm	Bright Shining World Why do I do things that I know will only upset me? Why do I punish myself? Don't have a good answer for that. I just know that I have to try and be positive. Remember happy times, not sad ones. So the job market is very good for Mandie and I am very excited. I am either going into cost analysis or financial advising. I will excell at either. Life is full of so many possibilities. Its a bright shining world and I am very fortunate to be part of it. "The pursuit of truth will set you free - even if you never catch it." -Clarence Darrow (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 24th, 2005
12:51 am	MY Blog So the purpose of this blog is to allow me to get things off my chest. I allow my friends to read it I guess so they can get an understand of what is going on in my head. Using this information against me is low. I am sorry if you read something that upsets you but these are my thoughts and feelings and it is for my benefit that I write. I am exteramly upset becuase someone I considered a dear friend has decded he is tired of my bullshit. Yes I do have alot of bullshit but I only share it with people I love and trust to put up with it. I guess sometimes I overestimate people's tolerence. This is going to sound odd but if I have learned anything from my two best girlfriends its that true friends just don't judge. Both my girls are older and more experinced then I am and when I make mistakes they are usually ones my friends warned me against. But they were lessons I had to learn for myself. Instead of judging me they pick me up dust me off and point me in the right direction and never blink twice about what I have done. No quite the contrary, they remind me they did the same thing. Thats freindship. Not everyone can be as savy as my girls, but we must all strive to be. I don't judge others for judging, I don't want to judge anyone for anything. I try at least. Its a goal I wish to achomplesh. Being judged by your friends is the most hurtful feeling. It is one thng to be judged by others but your friends are soposed to love you for who you are no matter what. I don't have much time here, Its 12:45 and I still have math. But I have to clear something up on behalf of nice guys everywhere. Good for you. I got screwed over by the nice guy and he was too nice to go out with his friend's ex. It was porbably best for everyone. All my friends think I was just acting like a shark who smelled blood in the water. I am not sure if that is true or not. I probably should stick to my own kind anyway. I could say more but for now that'll have to do. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 11th, 2005
2:05 pm	Heifers!!! Found something exteramly usfull to do with the book money. This is not quite like the gads of rainforest I own. This will help people immedatly. I gave an ark full of animals. I am very pleased. Andy says I should save the money and buy a house. At one point I was considering buying a bottle of wine that was from Neapolean's collection. This is much better: http://catalog.heifer.org/index.cfm (Comment on this)
1:05 pm	Tucker Max Haha, ok it was funny comming from you Ryan. DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN. For anyone who has never visited tuckermax.com, please do. It is really really funny. So, I did it. I am signed up to run the AIDS Marathon. I am very excited. Its a great cause and it will be great for me. I have never attempted anything like this, but if Opera can do it, I can do it. Tommarrow I leave for Texas. Quotes for the day: "To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else." -Bernadette Devlin "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -Friedrich Nietzsche (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 10th, 2005
3:21 pm	Cathy's Response to Mr. SexNinjaBullshit d0uxc0eur: seriously, thats such a balless thing to do... it actually makes me laugh that u or i would have that much of a profound effect on some1 that they would resort to doing something like that (Comment on this)
2:58 pm	SexNinjaMcDeath I will reward the person who can identify the owner of aim SN: SexNinjaMcDeath. I would have guessed it was some random person who just read my journal and decided to fuck with me, but he knew too much. I swear if it was a friend - I am pissed. I thought it really was someone I wanted to talk to at first. Grrrrrrrrr (Comment on this)