Journal

50/50

2005-06-20T20:45:10Z

This morning on NPR I heard this guy talking about the 50/50 rule. 50% of the time things are better then normal and 50% of the time things are worse. So the min something good happens something comes along to fuck it up. The DB decided he'd settle things with me today. I have never heard more of a cop out answer in my life. I'll never understand what we had or if it ever could have gone differntly. Maybe I was totally and completly played. I would almost rather belaive that then think he really has his head that far up his ass.

This is for you Matt:

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast-you also miss the sense of where you are going and why." -Eddie Cantor

This is all about me!

2005-06-03T20:46:57Z

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. -Andre Gide

The Ray of Sunlight before the Destruction

2005-06-03T04:11:55Z

Things are really stressfull between this class and exams...man there is no time. To go to Nationals or not to go? Such a decesion. If I don't move out of my townhouse soon I will just die. Yes, die. Well ok I am exagerating. Question two, what is living with Will and Don REALLY going to be like? It could be disastrous. I am kidding myself that it will be smooth. i'll probably kill Will. its better then the alternatives. On a happy note, I am happy. Oh so happy. It so strange and weird. I look at him and think, its him, so long and I never thought of him this way. Now I find my self missing him when he isn't around. I think the odds of this working out are non-existant, and as Mike said the other day I tend to leave a path of destruction behind me. Never the less I am happy. All he wants to do is make me happy. He never gets in my way or fights with me. He likes my friends and has learned to drink wine. I can write anything about him I want becuase he is afraid to read my blog....what restraint. I could never not read if I knew things were being written about me. He however does not write about me in his blog. I imagin to protect my identity but maybe he just has nothing to say. I sound like a silly school girl. Its never been this easy before. Wonder how long it will last before I eat him alive? Yumm, Delicious....

Life According to Gregory

2005-05-25T17:13:11Z

[13:09] gregory_uwh: Stupid people should be ignored, small minded people should be shown the door, and people that think they are neither but are should go fuck themselves.

Get it While You Can

2005-05-16T17:08:01Z

Its strange how you can look at something or someone one day and see something completly differnt the next day.

"Get it While You Can" by Janis Joplin

In this world, if you read the papers, Lord,
You know everybody's fighting on with each other.
You got no one you can count on, baby,
Not even your own brother.
So if someone comes along,
He's gonna give you some love and affection
I'd say get it while you can, yeah!
Honey, get it while you can,
Hey, hey, get it while you can,
Don't you turn your back on love, no, no!

Don't you know when you're loving anybody, baby,
You're taking a gamble on a little sorrow,
But then who cares, baby,
'Cause we may not be here tomorrow, no.
And if anybody should come along,
He gonna give you any love and affection,
I'd say get it while you can, yeah!
Hey, hey, get it while you can,
Hey, hey, get it while you can.
Don't you turn your back on love,
No no no, no no no no no.

Oh, get it while you can,
Honey get it when you're gonna wanna need it dear, yeah yeah,
Hey hey, get it while you can,
Don't you turn your back on love,
No no no, no no no no, get it while you can,
I said hold on to somebody when you get a little lonely, dear,
Hey hey, hold on to that man's heart,
Yeah, get it, want it, hold it, need it,
Get it, want it, need it, hold it,
Get it while you can, yeah,
Honey get it while you can, baby, yeah,
Hey hey, get it while you can!

Isolationism

2005-05-12T07:56:48Z

What lengths won't I go to to isolate myself? Bob Marley said something about people acting like rabid animals striking out when they feel threatened. He wasn't talking about me, but it is me. Always and forever. I like to think I am strong. I have survived many things in my life time. But I am not strong. I just survive. And I do it by protecting myself. Someone once said I would be damn near perfect if I wern't obsessed with plasic surgry. I get that now. I wouldn't be, but my obession with having my nose fixed is the same obsession I face in every other facet of my life. We have ben over this before: perfection is not obtainable and by excpting that you become closer to perfection. I however will not. I will allow my thoughts to eat myself alive for some unknown reason. And I will continue to attack anyone who gets close and shows anythng that resembles a threatening face. I am really really mad at myself for getting into that ridculus situation. If you read like two posts back I was so convinced. I am idiot. I keep thinking I am a well blanced, stable individual. Ha! This calls for another Ha! I am not strong I am scared to death of the world around me and all the people in it who can and will hurt me. The trickest part to understand this is when I say hurt me its very obscure. Really the only dangerous person around is me and if you have ever been attacked by me you'd know that. I am a danger to others and most definatly to myself. I should be isolted.

Two Weeks Notice

2005-05-10T19:27:41Z

I really love the way Ryan thinks. I am putting in my two weeks notice. Ok, so it was just one of those things, one of those crazy flings, one of those bells that now and then rings, just one of those things. It was fun while it lasted, but I can't make it work. Things are done a certain way for a reason. Re-inventing the wheel is a tricky business. I wish I didn't need what I want. But I do...Queen of the Night...enough said. So there you have it, two weeks notice today. Today's qoute is remarkably appropriate: "The only peace, the only security, is in fulfillment." -Henry Miller. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but I am better off alone then in a make-belaive situation. He is great, but whats the point? So plan F may be on hold. I may have to take another class. Arg, thats going to make life difficult. I do too many things. However, satisfaction from a job well done, is satisfaction worth having. Who was it who said anything worth having is worth working for? Supprisingly that one is not on my office door.

Life is Good, I think

2005-05-06T18:37:30Z

I have achieved what most men only dream about. It works. It does. I think it does. I know it is dangerous and as Karen said not a solution to not dating. But I can't. I just can't. If I have dinner with one more lawyer or investment banker, I'll throw up. Boy did something weird happen yesterday and I am not sure if I should just walk away from the situation on general principle. I liked them. He is still far far away so where is the harm? Hmmm. Two weeks and I am done with school, hopefully. Life is good, I think. Oh so Mugs and Jugs lost. It had nothing to do with me being not sober...It was Cinco De Mayo...Marietta wanted Margaritas and I deserved one! We had a good talk. We came to a conclusion: Opertunity means choices. I hope I am making the right ones.

Don’t Shoot the Messenger

2005-04-28T23:36:47Z

When bad things happen, or rather things you don't like, ask yourself why they happend and don't shoot the messenger (read the Ellis Paul Lyrics please). We do that alot in this culture. We blame everyone else. Now I persoanlly have a habit of blaming my self for everything and that isn't good either, but just think about what I am saying. Poor Helena Whitford. Her death was tragic. I know she was in a cult. It shows us how vaulnerable we all are. We will find the Phoenix. So Plan F will be going into effect on May 22nd. It is a good plan and I will be happy to be home. In other news here is my schedule:

May 19 - Graduation
May 21 - Celebrate in Kings Domionion
May 27-29 - UWH Women's Clinic in Chicago
June 4 - MTH Reunion
June 18-19 - Philly
June 25-30 Mertyle Beach
July 7-10 - UWH Nationals in St. Paul
July 22 - Birthday!
July 30 - Big graduation and birthday party
August 6 - Ben and Jen tie the knot
October 28 - November 8 - Great Britian (AIDS Marathon in Dublin on Halloween)
Spring 2006 - World Cup in Germany
Fall 2006 or Spring 2007 - Tokyo
Fall 2007 - Rugby World Cup in France

Did Galileo Pray?
by Paul Ellis

When he looked
Into a starry sky upon Jupiter,
With it's cold moons
Making their weary rounds.

Did he know that the Pope
Would claim that he ran with Lucifer
And a prison cell
Would be where he’d lay his head down?

Was he wearing a thorny crown?
When he plotted the motion of planets,
Was Mercury in retrograde?
But he found the truth when a lie was what was demanded.
When the judges asked him pointedly
He was a' trembling that day.

Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?

And he said,
"Tell Ptolemy, tell Copernicus,
That the Sun is at the core of us
The Church, the Pope
Can’t deny the Milky Way

And every flower that follows the sun,
Has known all along
What God had done
They whisper truth
As the seasons each give way.

Don’t shoot the messenger,
The postman delivers Truth today.
And Truth will march in Birmingham
It will block the tanks in Tiananmen.
Put the judges on the witness stand
Let’s see what they all say.

Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?

In the heavens you'll see it
As God has conceived it.
Oh, believe it.
Oh, what have you got to do to believe?

Don’t shoot the messenger,
When the postman brings you truth today.
Because truth will march in Birmingham
It will block the tanks in Tiananmen
Put the judges on the witness stand,
Let's see what they all say.

Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?
Did Galileo pray?

Don’t shoot the messenger, don’t shoot the messenger…

Creep

2005-04-20T05:08:34Z

Radiohead - Creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I 'm a creep
I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She run, run, run run
Run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here.

Stupid O Clock

2005-04-19T07:20:49Z

Its 3 am I just got off the phone with T. He is the reason Mark first told me the duck story. I can't tell if T is a duck or not. I think he is trying to be but his homeboys are all Geese so sometimes he acts like a Goose. Cut me some slack it is three am. I guess I had some things I still needed to get off my chest. I guess I still felt like I was sort of special, not a mistake. I know it doesn't matter, but seeing the way i feel about men. I don't know I needed something. So did I get it? So RW has this thing about me acting like, I hate this phrase, a sneeky hoe. It is hard to resist. Its the mandie the Ice Queen mode. Its self defense. Scroll down and read the George Washington quote about having the strength to withstand temptation. T asked if I went to church. Maybe I should make a real effort. I do't go to church to worship god. I go to be part of community. I can worship god on my own time. I go to love and support people. i have a truly alturistic side. I am not evil. I need to embrace that. I need to love others unconditionally. I need to love mself. Running in the AIDS Marathon is going to be great. 26.2 miles is a really long distance. it is worth it to help others and to help myself. I can't type anymore.......

Take It All Away

So much beauty in life
Shining on the outside
Empty on the inside
I get lost sometimes
Blinded by the flashing lights
Distractions always in my eyes

So i'm following the sound, the sound of my heart
Beating

You can take it all away
I don't need it
Underneath, i'll still be the same
You can take it all away
I don't need it, it's not me
You can take it all, take it all away
I'll still be the same

Are you hiding still?
Don't you want to love yourself?
Don't you know that someone will?
Time can turn it around
Leave it all that's dribbled down
That's the only way to find it out

Are you following the sound, the sound of your heart?
Beating

You can take it all away
I don't need it
Underneath, i'll still be the same
You can take it all away
I don't need it, it's not me
You can take it all, take it all away
I'll still be the same

Coming in with nothing, leaving with the same
It's all inside
Coming in with nothing, the only thing that saves
Is here inside

You can take it all away
I don't need it
Underneath, i'll still be the same
You can take it all away
I don't need it, it's not me
You can take it all, take it all away
I'll still be the same

Stress Kills

2005-04-18T17:47:25Z

On the flat curve of medicine, I can tell you where I am, but it will mean nothing to any of my friends or the people who aren't my friends who read my journal, so I won't. Everythings stressfull. Waiting for NG to call. They finally had me interview for a job I really really want. But it is such a long shot. Its upsetting to know there is a job out there I want this much and maybe can't have. Lets see, I am pissed at people again. Its just upsetting when you feel like the people you thought were friends really just want to hang out with you and party and when you don't provide that for them they complain and make you feel crapy about it. I can't put out (no not like that) all the time. I can't be "Fun Mandie" all the time. I just can't. Work is very stressful right now, fiscal years change soon (and by soon I mean July....) and thus we are mad busy...mad I say. School, kicking my butt. Well one class is, I am acing the hard stuff damnit! The publisher called me recently and asked how the new chapters were comming. its a good thing my book is based on reality, becuase there is no way I could have made up 4 chapters worth of stuff on the stop that I haven't even come close to writing yet. Nuff bitching.

Do you ever wonder if people from your past are curious about you the way you are about them. HS reunion comming up and I was thinking about going. Till I relaized I only remembered a half a dozen or so peoples names and I still see most of them. So I guess I am not thinking about my friends from HS. I do however remember Victoria Baring. However, some events have happend recently that makes me wonder what conclusions the DB came to about our disasterous relationship (if you can call it that). Don't sopose it matters. Its amazing how disgusted I am with the whole thing. Its also amazing how content I am with being alone. I really have no desire to date. Funny eh? Oh god, I have to stop with the ehs. I was doing it before I hated Canada. Now that I do I must stop. Well St. Teresa bless me with your rose petals. Muhahaha! I still have the best minions.

Job Hunting

2005-04-13T13:41:12Z

Pick a job has been really stressfull. I have another meeting with NG today. Lets see if they can make me an offer I can't refuse. I should not complain. So many people have had so much trouble finding a job. All I have to say is...Yay Economics! I need to the stress to subside though. I am starting to be a bad friend to my good friends.

It was just one of those things
Just one of those crazy flings
One of those bells that now and then rings
It was one of those things
*It was one of those thing I should resist...sheesh. I give up on men all together...or at least mediocre men. Mediocre isn't the right word. The wrong men. No more wrong men, in any way, manner, fashion or form. I really shouldn't post this, but I am going to.

Came across this today, I hope the DB reads it:
It is not becuase things are difficult that we do not dare, it is becuase we do not dare that they are difficult. - Seneca

True Friends

2005-04-04T18:11:27Z

Well I learned a lot this weekend. I have systematically removed many people from my inner circle of friends today. Self centered is not recognising there are other people, selfish is recognising them, and still not caring. Being Selfish is not a malicious act, but I have no room for it in my life. I go the distance for my true friends. There are many of you I would lay down my life for, you know who you are and how you have earned that. I guess I am just redefining what true friendship looks like...If if walks like a duck, flys like a duck, and quacks like a duck....Its a DUCK! Thank you Mike & Josh for reminding me what a duck really looks like.

"No amount of sophistication is going to allay the fact that all your knowledge is about the past and all your decesions are about the future." -Ian E. Wilson

Bright Shining World

2005-03-25T18:59:48Z

Why do I do things that I know will only upset me? Why do I punish myself? Don't have a good answer for that. I just know that I have to try and be positive. Remember happy times, not sad ones. So the job market is very good for Mandie and I am very excited. I am either going into cost analysis or financial advising. I will excell at either. Life is full of so many possibilities. Its a bright shining world and I am very fortunate to be part of it.

"The pursuit of truth will set you free - even if you never catch it." -Clarence Darrow

MY Blog

2005-03-24T05:53:06Z

So the purpose of this blog is to allow me to get things off my chest. I allow my friends to read it I guess so they can get an understand of what is going on in my head. Using this information against me is low. I am sorry if you read something that upsets you but these are my thoughts and feelings and it is for my benefit that I write. I am exteramly upset becuase someone I considered a dear friend has decded he is tired of my bullshit. Yes I do have alot of bullshit but I only share it with people I love and trust to put up with it. I guess sometimes I overestimate people's tolerence. This is going to sound odd but if I have learned anything from my two best girlfriends its that true friends just don't judge. Both my girls are older and more experinced then I am and when I make mistakes they are usually ones my friends warned me against. But they were lessons I had to learn for myself. Instead of judging me they pick me up dust me off and point me in the right direction and never blink twice about what I have done. No quite the contrary, they remind me they did the same thing. Thats freindship. Not everyone can be as savy as my girls, but we must all strive to be. I don't judge others for judging, I don't want to judge anyone for anything. I try at least. Its a goal I wish to achomplesh. Being judged by your friends is the most hurtful feeling. It is one thng to be judged by others but your friends are soposed to love you for who you are no matter what. I don't have much time here, Its 12:45 and I still have math. But I have to clear something up on behalf of nice guys everywhere. Good for you. I got screwed over by the nice guy and he was too nice to go out with his friend's ex. It was porbably best for everyone. All my friends think I was just acting like a shark who smelled blood in the water. I am not sure if that is true or not. I probably should stick to my own kind anyway. I could say more but for now that'll have to do.

Heifers!!!

2005-03-11T19:09:19Z

Found something exteramly usfull to do with the book money. This is not quite like the gads of rainforest I own. This will help people immedatly. I gave an ark full of animals. I am very pleased. Andy says I should save the money and buy a house. At one point I was considering buying a bottle of wine that was from Neapolean's collection. This is much better: http://catalog.heifer.org/index.cfm

Tucker Max

2005-03-11T18:12:12Z

Haha, ok it was funny comming from you Ryan. DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN. For anyone who has never visited tuckermax.com, please do. It is really really funny. So, I did it. I am signed up to run the AIDS Marathon. I am very excited. Its a great cause and it will be great for me. I have never attempted anything like this, but if Opera can do it, I can do it. Tommarrow I leave for Texas.

Quotes for the day:

"To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else." -Bernadette Devlin

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." -Friedrich Nietzsche

Cathy's Response to Mr. SexNinjaBullshit

2005-03-10T20:21:44Z

d0uxc0eur: seriously, thats such a balless thing to do... it actually makes me laugh that u or i would have that much of a profound effect on some1 that they would resort to doing something like that

SexNinjaMcDeath

2005-03-10T20:02:41Z

I will reward the person who can identify the owner of aim SN: SexNinjaMcDeath. I would have guessed it was some random person who just read my journal and decided to fuck with me, but he knew too much. I swear if it was a friend - I am pissed. I thought it really was someone I wanted to talk to at first. Grrrrrrrrr

Box Seats

2005-03-10T19:05:25Z

God I can bitch can't I? Ha. I'm done with that now. Life is too good to complain. Who needs men when you have great clothes? Besides I can not turn down Box seats for Die Zauberflöte on opening night. I just can't do it. Life is far from perfect, but damn it ain't bad. How can I complain? If I get to choose between great seats or great company, I would choose great company. But if great company isn't an option then I best choose the seats!

Nice Guys...I don't want to hear any more crap about finishing last!

2005-03-09T22:49:25Z

Ok we're going to get pesonal here. I am so unbelivably frustrated right now. I went out on a limb, mostly becuase I was intoxicated and was therefore willing to do something I wanted to do but knew was stupid. And where did it get me - frustrated! My phone is ringing off the hook: Dave, Doogie Houser, Pete, then there is this new guy Ben. He has box seats at the Kennedy Center and we had a hour long conversation about international interest rates. He is also the most arrogent man I have ever met. The odds of him playing disc golf with me in the mud: non existant. Meanwhile this guy I went out of a limb for...not to be heard from. So, I am talking alot of flack about this from alot of people (hence all the bitching yesterday). My nearest and dearest friends saying I only want him to call becuase he hasn't. It never occured to you people that maybe I like this guy?? I admit its far fetched. He is a nice guy and it would seem I only date douchebags. It was you all who told me to go out on a limb and go out with a nice guy. Yes I know, not that that one in particular but still. Its not working out very well...maybe I should just stick with the hot stupid guys or rich jerks. Thats not fair they aren't stupid, just not intellectually challanging and Doogie is by no means a jerk, I am just not impressed by his attempts to impress. I liked him better before he went off to Seattle and made a million bucks. And maybe I am just obessing about being...dare I use the words 'rejected'? Ick. I don't like the sound of that. We are learning alot of lessions this year. Though is this really a lession? What did I gain from it? I sopose that nice guys aren't really worth any more then the jerks I was dating before. Was that what you all had in mind when you said I should go out with a nice guy (you know who you all are). I have to go to class now, but chew on that for awhile.

Last one

2005-03-08T22:56:29Z

This is my last one for the day I swear! Look I may do stupid things, but I am not the big bitch some of my nearest and dearest think I am. Yes, they call me the Ice Queen, but it usually isnt my fault. I hate naming names but I told Josh repatedly that it wasn't going to work out. Yeah he was in lvoe and couldn't walk away. And therefore I take all the blame??? No. I am sweet alot of the time. I bake pies, offer to have snowball fights to cheer up my friends ever though I hate the snow. I do try.

I choped it all off!

2005-03-08T22:42:04Z

Ok so I do alot of stupid things these days. Why? Probably becuase I can. Therefor I soppose it is more likely for one to assume I did something for a stupid reason rather then an honest one. My life is only complicated becuase I make it so. The booze doesn't help. I criticize someone in particular alot but it seems I am no differnt in many ways. But I do think I have better intentions then he does. As for my decesion making process. I just cut off all my hair on a whim after saying I was going to grow it out for so long. I don't know what I want or what I should do...

As Paul puts it, My touring plans:

March 12-18: Texas (family and interviews)
March 25-29: NYC (the list of reasons why not to go to NYC is shorter)
April 1-3: Quebeq (if I can get anyone else to go)
Mid April: Florida (god I want that job)
Begining of May: Philly (soon we should pick an exact date)
End of May: Chicago (UWH Women's Clinic and to see Mauro)
Sometime in the Summer: Vegas (who wants to go?)
End of July: Minnesota (UWH Nationals)
End of October-Mid November: Dublin Marathon and G.B. (everyone should come and watch me run past them while they sit in the Guniesss factory)

Somewhere in there will be a trip to see Paul in the Inner Harbor!

More decesions

2005-03-08T19:37:00Z

"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity" - Washington Irving

Hmmm. More decesions. Do you care if people think something about you that isn't true? Is it worth going to the trouble to reveal the truth? People are so afraid of the truth. Quite recently, I might have been able to spare myself alot of pain if I had just been willing to sit down and discuss what was on my mind with you know who (well I know who). We are so often afraid to talk to one another. We are so afraid of the truth. And thens ometimes we go out on a limb and open up our hearts and minds and get no response at all. Which is worse? To never ask and never know, to ask and still never know, or to ask and find out the truth. It may be painful, but at least you'll know. Moving on; this isn't exactly a dark hour of adversity, but I think I know what I have to do, unpleasent though it may be. I don't want people to get hurt by misunderstandings. Those who choose to assume things without seeking clarification or conformation can not be helped. But those who bleiave things becuase they were pushed in the wrong direction by circumstances beyond their control deserve to be guided in the right direction. Thanks Malcolm.